Quite a few commentators have noticed that the names of many Internet companies are childish, even infantile. Without a second thought, we use Internet services that sound like baby talk—Google, Yelp, Skype, Doodle, Zillow, Etsy and Hulu. In many cases, the grander the aim—say universal communication— the more baby-ish the name. Twitter, I’m looking at you and your little bird logo.

The names, composed by dropping vowels (Flickr), shoving words together (Pinterest), intentionally misspelling words (Lyft), adding random suffixes (Spotify) and other conventions, very often have clever second, or even third meanings.

All of this makes me think of the neologistic possibilities inherent in the phenomenon known as the “Internet of Things.” The Internet of Things is a big deal. It means that everyday objects that currently work independently and are “dumb”—like appliances or TVs or alarm systems—will suddenly become networked and “smart,” i.e., connected to the Internet and controllable on your cell phone.

This opens up whole new worlds of potential appliance collaboration: on a prosaic level, it could be things like your house switching on the air conditioning as you approach home at the end of the day, or turning on the lights.

I imagine a more advanced appliance collaboration, such as my oven detecting through the odors going through the hood that I’m making bean burritos. The oven alerts the plug-in air freshener to release scented oils and sends my wife a text alert.

This will also open up whole new universes of enterprises and apps. In the interest of advancing this brave new world, I am offering my list of potential Internet businesses of the future. You’re welcome, tech entrepreneurs!

Clank: This app introduces the “smart” highball glass. It monitors your alcohol intake. When you’ve drunk too much, the app contacts AAA, your therapist or law enforcement, depending on your preference settings.

Dipchat: This app monitors your Facebook posts for friends whose posts you haven’t liked or haven’t read recently, and auto-posts insulting comments when they upload a picture. Things like “Your clothes are mismatched,” or “You look funny.” This is a way of culling your friends list when it gets too big.

ClipTrip: For people who don’t have enough money to travel to exotic places, clip trip will scour the Internet and offer images of dream trips to foreign locales, which you can share with friends as though you actually went there.

ParaNet: This app offers up a bouquet of conspiracy theory websites and news of government overreach, infringements of Second Amendment rights, etc.

Grater: This app periodically searches your cellphone for inane and useless apps you’ve downloaded and eliminates them.

ToiletTracker: Just joking! This one already exists. It’s an Android app that “records details about toilet usage” and “integrates with Facebook to provide public notification of toilet usage to friends.” In the Internet world of the future, you can’t share too much!

Sorry, I’ve got to go—my cellphone just went crazy. Apparently Grater just eliminated most of my apps—including itself.

–Joe Hunter